Soul Searchin

Healing isn’t linear.

So one of the things that I’ve learned on my healing journey is that it is not linear. There is no one size fits all approach to landing in some fully healed place in the “appropriate” amount of time to move on to the next chapter in your life. It is constant, and at times it’s more complex than others. Sometimes you are all in your feelings. Others there are no feelings at all. Healing is such an interesting thing because it is undoubtedly personal. No matter who has walked with you thru your journey, only you know where you are. The best they can do is give you the room to do it independently and hold your hand whenever you reach out for theirs. Even if they’ve heard it all, they still only know so much. How you truly feel deep down inside. When the outside noise is silenced, you’re the one who’s left alone with your thoughts. The question is, what are they telling you? I’ve been thinking a lot about healing lately. Having gone thru a significant life change has called into question what it’s supposed to look like. When will I be ready to move on, and should I be already? What I know to be true for me is that it’s rooted in my level of peace. The healing work has been a long and tedious road that included needless suffering to land at choosing me finally. I am the only person who knows all I’ve endured getting here. The only person who understands the strength it’s taken to pull me out of dark spaces and have the courage to say no more. My healing has been a long time coming, filled with moments of drowning in my own lake’s worth of tears and deep breathing my way through the panic as it’s attacked the core of my being. It has been questioning my moves, motives, and outlook.

Should I stay or leave, why am I here, what do I want, is this it, will this happen, am I good enough, NOW WHAT!?!. It was an endless loop of just holding on to almost being at the finish line with a goal post that kept moving. It’s giving up because maybe I’m not smart enough, talented enough, capable enough. It’s picking back up because fuck this I deserve….the money, the career, the love, the marriage, the ring, the life, the success, the happiness. It’s feeling every inch of your heartbreak open, doing your best to grab the pieces before they fall, and trying to stick them back together. It’s feeling each tear as you slowly grow apart from all you’ve known to be true, everything you’d hoped to be real, a life you’d longed to live. It’s believing you’re okay when you’re not. It’s saying you’re okay before you are. It’s hoping you’re okay because you just need to be. But if you stop for a moment, even the slightest moment, the stillness reveals the truth. And the truth, as corny as it sounds, really does set you free. Healing for me hasn’t been about some proclamation of resignation from a trail of broken promises and dreams. It came by simply trusting my intuition when it said, “you’re done,” and it was starting anew when I was ready. It feels like peace. The kind that holds no room for resentment, anger, or lingering disappointment. It feels like the fit of the perfect dress, you know, the one that hugs the fuck out of those curves and has you feeling like the finest thang on the planet. You are nothing to be fucked with. Nor is your heart, boundaries, or time. It feels like openness. Like standing on the perfect beach with just the right amount of breeze, letting the sun wash over you as you accept all of the goodness God has for you. Love, happiness, success, dreams, goals are all at your fingertips. It’s all awaiting you in the form you desire and deserve. It’s understanding more and more what that looks like for you.

My healing has been releasing myself from the guilt of not honoring the things I deserve sooner. Letting go of the shame around starting over —knowing and accepting that it isn’t selfish to want to be happy and deciding to be just that no matter what it looks like. Relieving myself of the pressure of trying to explain me to people who’ve never walked a mile in my shoes or lived a second in my skin. Despite what society says, it’s no longer needing to defend what I know is best for me. If you are on a healing path, don’t let anyone or anything rush you or slow you down. Trust yourself, trust your journey, trust your mind, body, soul, and heart. And know that if you are doing just fine as of today, then that’s alright. And if tomorrow you find that you are not, that’s fine too. Healing isn’t linear. It is active work to feel like your most whole and recognizable self each day. I wish you all the healing you need.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s