Soul Searchin

Allow me to introduce myself…

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My name is Erica Lynn, and I have no idea what I’m doing or why I’m doing this, but I know that I’m not alone in this journey so I felt as though I’d share it. I have no clue who might need to follow along or where this might lead but I enjoy writing, and I have a story to tell so here goes.

In 2 months I’ll be 34, and I am not who or where I thought I’d be by now. In ways, that’s disappointing as I thought I’d be well into my career, settled into a happy marriage and rich as fuck at this point. (My mom asked me not to curse, but I looked at her and was like, “we’re keeping it real with the people, right? *Bey voice* She rolled her eyes and here we are.) However, this is the closest I’ve ever been to genuinely unlocking what I now realize is a life that offers me much more. Not that I don’t desire the same career, marriage, and financial goals, but in my delayed road to success I’ve grown an even bigger dream, a more in-depth understanding about what I want out of my partner and become more disciplined and wise with finances. I mean let’s face it, I was on TV before social media was a thing, so celebrity was different then, and the desire to be an actress came with very different requirements then it does now. Thanks to the internet, blog culture and social media, the desire to maintain some sort of anonymity is as much work as it is to continue, well..working. One false move and you are the hot topic of the day and no matter how much you may try to keep your issues private if folks care enough and TMZ gets wind of it then that’s all she wrote. You are no longer a human being going through human experiences, you are a character that everyone feels entitled to have an opinion of and being propped up as an example in the latest debate. Listen, I’ve had my share of growing pains since my days on Nickelodeon, and Lord knows weight gain certainly wouldn’t have made the memes kind to me. So I’m now coming to appreciate my delayed success. I’ve gotten to live out from under the microscope of society and left within my own bubble to take on the complexities of being a woman that is black in a world that continually overlooks, mistreats and underappreciates my kind. I’ve gotten to experience heartbreak, betrail, rejection and go broke all without having the whole world bat an eye. I’ve gotten to travel around the world and explore and learn things about other cultures and people and see some new parts of me in them. I’ve gotten to identify what in me I’ve been longing to unleash and unlearn the many things that life, society, and my upbringing taught me. All of which has landed me here, still trying to silence the noise of an overpopulated world around me to try to hear my thoughts. The overwhelming sound that plays above it all is this idea that I just want to be free. Free to live, to love, to create, to explore, to grow, to be me. I am a daughter, sister, aunt, girlfriend, friend, God mom, actress, writer, producer, but above all else, I’m Erica. I am black and woman, battling with the intersectionality that continually puts me at war with myself. Whether it’s pondering the latest battle of the sexes debate I read on twitter today or determining how much of me I have to give up to acquire the type of love I’m told to except. I’m strong and soft, I’m outgoing and shy. I’m bluntly honest, its the Sagittarius in me, but I’ve learned how not to be harsh. I’m becoming, and that’s scary because I’m not sure who that’ll lead me to be, but I know that it will get me free. Currently, I am recovering from brokenness. Depression has reared it’s ugly head and is doing its best to consume me. But I’m a fighter. So before the feeling leaves my body and hopelessness gives way to a longing to end it all. I shake that tingling sensation you feel just as your foot is falling asleep and allow myself to feel the brief discomfort before I am able to walk again comfortably. I get up each day, and I fight. I fight for love, I fight for my dreams, I fight for those I love, I fight to tell stories I think people want to watch and now, above all else, I will fight for me.

So if you have it all together, then congrats. Feel free to comment below and give ya girl the blueprint. For the rest of us, who knows how and who knows what we’ll have to face to get there but we will get there. Wherever there might be based on where we want, we’ll grow, we’ll fight, we’ll feel, we’ll hurt, we’ll heal, we’ll be better. And when its all said and done, we’ll be free! As I seek to leave my mark on this world, I dare to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. I dare to dream out loud and push past the part of me that’s afraid to jinx it and declare that everything I’ve ever dreamed of is on the horizon, is already manifesting actually. It’s been a long road to victory, it’s a tough journey to making it. It’s filled with times of wanting to give up, feeling like maybe you aren’t good enough and a longing to get to the other side. I’ve come close, and I’ve fallen short, but each time, I’ve gotten up. So here I am, standing. Looking my greatest fears in the eye with the determination to overcome every obstacle set before me, every loud voice on the outside and quiet doubt on the inside that says that I can’t. I’ll find a way and I will. And as I do, I’ll share the hows and the whys with the hopes to inspire anyone who needs it. I hope to make you proud, especially black women. I hope to stand as a familiar face in a crowd and bring a sense of belonging to your heart. I hope that with every new height I am blessed to reach that I would represent you in a way that somehow makes you feel seen, understood, appreciated, represented. I hope to reflect the beautiful, complicated parts that make up what I believe to be God’s greatest creation. That does not mean I will be perfect, but I will be honest. Telling my story, our stories and putting on display the magic that has been burning inside of us since the beginning of time. I’m blogging, and you’re reading, and I’m genuinely grateful.

Okay, this was heavier than perhaps I anticipated lol, I promise there will be jokes and light-hearted posts to accompany the very real-life experiences as I/We journey along. Like I’m a sports gal (Bron stan (hey, Laker fans), Bleed dodgers Blue, Serena is my superhero, can I claim the Rams since they’re the home squad?) that loves mindless reality tv (Bravo owns me) and whose witty banter can hang with the best of them. This will be fun, this will be honest, this will be me.

Thanks for coming along!

9 thoughts on “Allow me to introduce myself…

  1. Congrats on the start. Love what I’ve read so far and let me be the first to say I am inspired by your aspiration, passion and determination of putting yourself out there, to invite many unknown people into your world. Looking forward to reading more. This will definitely be something for Winter to read as she gets older And grows into her own beautiful black skin in this crazy society. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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